Guardian Angel
by tricky1197
Summary: Change sequel. Hidan somehow manages to get in the pants of Umino Iruka, possibly through brainwashing. When Iruka can't take anymore, he runs safely to the arms of Mizuki. Hidan doesn't like that. Bondage, yaoi, abuse, rape, crude humor, crack pairing
1. Jashinists and Chuunin

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters.

Rated M, for manly loving goodness. Crack pairings, abuse, bondage, angst, kidnapping, butt-loving yaoi, obscene language, and whatever else happens along the way... No bestiality though. Oh, I'm sorry... no "Inter-species erotica"...

Flamers are totally welcome, but, just to warn you, I will not take any of your flames seriously and will only laugh at your ridiculous comments.

Okay, so the first few chapters are "humor", but angst and such will come later...

* * *

"You fucking douche bag!"

Iruka sighed forlornly. He'd been lounging in the Akatsuki common room waiting for his lover to get back from a mission to the grocery store when none other than Hidan and Kakuzu burst through the door, swearing like it was breathing and two insults away from a full blown fight. How he had gotten in the sac with the Akatsuki's notorious, foul-mouthed Hidan is beyond anyone's imagination.

Kakuzu threw the grocery bags at Iruka so his hands were free to ball into fists. "I will find a way to kill you..." he threatened, glaring daggers at the Jashinist.

Hidan carelessly dropped his bags onto the ground, eggs and all. He snickered a little before drawing his scythe and brandishing it before Kakuzu. "Bring it, bitch."

Iruka grabbed the bags and took them to the kitchen. He knew better than to get between the two partners. The last incident cost him two broken ribs and a concussion, compliments of Kakuzu. Of course, the greedy bastard was just trying to get to Hidan; Iruka just happened to be in the way. Hidan might have lost a limb or two, maybe his head, but he could always be pulled back together. And Iruka had to admit that he liked tending to his lover's injuries.

Iruka heard wood splitting followed by Hidan swearing. Human-sized holes in the walls of Akatsuki headquarters were so common, Deidara and Sasori often considered them decorative artwork. One looked like an appearance of Jesus, which Kakuzu prayed to just to piss off Hidan. The Jashinist later destroyed it out of a fit of rage.

A flash of auburn hair crossed Iruka's view as Pein stormed by, undoubtedly to break up Hidan and Kakuzu. Ever since Kakashi somewhat unwillingly left the Akatsuki, Pein had been in a bad mood. Kakashi promised to visit often, and the Akatsuki had full right to visit him, so the real reason behind Pein's moodiness was yet to be discovered. Iruka suspected it was the way the citizens treated the Akatsuki members, including Kakashi.

More crashing and broken objects were heard, then swearing and arguing. Iruka tossed the broken eggs in the trash before putting the rest of the groceries away. Zetsu appeared out of nowhere and offered to help. The two had made peace after Zetsu promised not to eat him. Iruka still tried to keep his distance.

The two had finished with the groceries when Hidan came to greet them. The Jashinist was bleeding from the head, mouth, and Jashin knows where else. "Hey, Iruka."

Iruka gave him a small wave. "Are you okay?"

Hidan nodded. "Yeah, why?"

"**You're bleeding**," Zetsu's black half muttered bluntly. His white side added, "You should probably go see Konan."

Hidan scoffed. "As bitchy as she is right now, she'd probably give me a better beating than Kakuzu."

Iruka looked at the men, confused. "What's wrong with Konan?"

"Pein's in a bad mood," Hidan replied.

Zetsu added, "And when Pein's in a bad mood, Konan usually is too."

"Why's that?" the chuunin asked.

"Because she has to deal with him..." Hidan muttered. Zetsu just shrugged.

Iruka followed Hidan back to his room. He hated it. Not only did Kakuzu share said room, it was bleak and blood stained from Hidan's rituals. The lock was broken, giving them no privacy. And even if it wasn't, the door was often missing, because Hidan would jam it to keep Kakuzu out, who would sooner rip it off the hinges before giving them a moment alone. Pein refused to pay for anymore doors, so the current one had two fist-sized holes in it and was held together by duct tape and super glue.

Hidan grabbed a sheet to put over the doorway, covering the holes, then put up a sign that read, "Fucking in progress, do not disturb." That usually kept people out better than any lock.

"Hidan, I think you should rest."

Hidan jabbed him in the chest with a kunai. "Don't tell me what to do!"

Iruka sighed. "Look at yourself! You're covered in bruises. Your head is bleeding, and you probably have some broken ribs, at least. You need to get some sleep and take it easy, since you won't get medical attention."

"I'm not tired," Hidan retorted, despite his eyes being bloodshot and barely staying open.

Iruka gently stripped off Hidan's Akatsuki cloak to see the extent of the damage. The whole right side of the Jashinist's back was already starting to swell, along with red, fist-sized marks on his stomach and cheek. The wounds would probably be gone in an hour with Hidan's healing abilities, but that didn't stop Iruka from worrying.

Hidan grabbed Iruka's vest, ripping it off and tossing it carelessly to the ground, before pulling the protesting chuunin onto the bed with him. Hidan devoured Iruka in a kiss, ravaging the chuunin's warm mouth. Iruka moaned in pleasure, but tried to pull away for Hidan's exhausted body's sake. The Jashinist bit Iruka's lip for his efforts, but Iruka managed to get away, pushing Hidan down and holding him there.

"Stop it. You need to rest," Iruka said.

Hidan stuck his lip out and pouted. "But … sex relaxing..."

"No, you should listen to Iruka," Sasori said from outside. "Just take it easy until you get a soundproofed room, and I don't have to listen to you two moaning and screaming all night."

Hidan took off his shoe and threw it at the door. "Shut the fuck up, stick boy!"

Iruka had him tied down before he could finish the insult, using the same hand cuffs he was usually bound by. Hidan struggled against them, kicking Iruka in the shoulder to make his point. Iruka sat back on the Jashinist's legs so he couldn't move them. Hidan pouted again, even if never worked on the stubborn chuunin.

Iruka grinned. He loved being dominated, but he liked being in charge once in a while too. "How about a massage?"

Hidan narrowed his eyes. "As long as you're massaging my dick with your ass..."

Iruka sighed. He turned Hidan over, despite the Jashinist's protests, and started rubbing his shoulders, making sure to avoid the purple welts on his side and back. Iruka's talented fingers quickly found Hidan's sensitive nerves, forcing the Jashinist into a relaxed state. He finally quit struggling, but went back to pouting.

"Iruka-chan," Hidan whined. "Could you please loosen the cuffs? They're really starting to hurt."

Iruka knew better from personal experience. Those particular shackles were lined in padded velvet. So, even with a sadomasochistic S-ranked murderer pounding into him 'til the wee hours of the morning, his wrists were bruise and chafe free. Iruka smiled. "Stop being such a baby..."

Hidan grumbled something incoherent and buried his face in the pillow.

Someone knocked on the door, distracting the two. Hidan growled. "Go away! We're fucking."

Iruka smacked him before whispering, "We are not!"

"They don't know that!" Hidan whispered back.

"Whatever it is you're doing, Kakuzu asked that you stop. He's on his way," Pein said through the door.

"Okay. Thank you," Iruka replied.

"Wait, Leader-sama!" Hidan yelled.

"What do you want?" Pein asked, clearly irritated.

"... You wanna come play with us?"

"No."

"You hesitated! Which means you thought about it. Which means you kind of want it!" Hidan yelled. Pein either had left or was ignoring him.

Iruka smacked him again. "Stop it!"

"He thought I was talking about sex..." Hidan said, giggling foolishly.

"What else would you have been talking about?"

"A massage. Duh."

Iruka sighed. "Just don't do it again. Please?"

"Why?"

"Well... I'm not saying he would, because he just doesn't seem like he'd do that. But … what if he said 'yes'?"

"That would be awesome!" Hidan yelled ecstatically.

"What? No!" Iruka stopped with the massage and laid next to Hidan. "I mean... He's... I thought he was straight anyway..."

"Even if he is, haven't you thought about? I've always wondered what Leader-sama would be like in bed," Hidan said with a dazed smile.

"Yeah, I thought about it for a brief second, and it was terrifying."

"You really think? I mean, I know he's kind of a jerkoff, and he probably wouldn't like the bottom very much, but he's got a great ass."

Iruka's cheeks turned a rosy shade of red. "Are you seriously considering that? What about Konan? What about me?"

Hidan rolled his eyes. "I won't make you do it. And Konan's not really into guys..."

"Really? I thought her and Leader-sama were a couple."

Hidan shook his head. "They were best friends when they were kids or something."

"Well … what about ..."

"I don't know."

"You never asked?"

"He won't tell me." Hidan paused. "You should ask him!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

Kakuzu slammed the door. "Both of you shut up!"

"Hey Kakuzu," Hidan started. "Haven't you ever wondered what Leader-sama would be like in bed? Me and Iruka were..."

He shot Hidan a "what the hell" look before crawling into bed.

"Well have you?"

"No," Kakuzu replied. "Leave me alone."

"Not even considered it?" his partner pressed.

"No!"

"Okay. Good night Kakuzu."

"..."

"I love you..."

"..."

"You're like a brother to me..."

"Hidan..."

"I don't know what I'd do without you..."

"I will kill you..."

Hidan giggled, then finally fell asleep, curled up next to Iruka.


	2. Unfortunate News

More conflict next chapter, I promise. I tried to fit it in this one, but it didn't work out...

* * *

Iruka awoke to a furious Hidan kicking him in the shin.

"Iruka, wake up!" Hidan yelled frantically.

Iruka rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before turning to the Jashinist. "What is it?"

"I gotta pee!" he screamed, rattling the shackles he was still bound to.

Iruka reached for the keys on the end table. And found none. He crawled out of bed, avoiding Hidan who was now squirming with discomfort, and looked on the floor. "Where are they?"

Hidan glared at the undeserving chuunin. "You lost them?"

"I didn't lose the keys! You're the one who had them!" Iruka retorted.

"Just take my pants off. I'll go on the floor."

"You are not relieving yourself on the floor!" Iruka stated with authority.

"I'll clean it up," Hidan said.

"You will not. You'll ignore it until I clean it up," Iruka replied.

"Yeah... That's how it works..."

Iruka sighed. "I'll go get Sasori, maybe he can pick the lock. Don't go yet!"

Iruka set off to find the puppet master. He hurried through the hallways, hellbent on not cleaning up human excrement... And he ran into Pein. Literally. Iruka turned bright red for the second time in twelve hours, mumbling a bunch of "I'm sorry's" to the Akatsuki leader.

Pein sighed. "Is there something you need, Iruka?"

"Well, I … uh..." he averted his gaze nervously, only to see Kakuzu with his mask off, giving him a cheeky grin. _Oh no, he told..._ Iruka felt his face light on fire. "Uh... looking... for..."

Pein raised an eyebrow.

"S... Sasori..."

The red-head nodded in a general direction before walking off. Iruka wandered into the kitchen, finding Sasori and Tobi making breakfast.

"Good morning, Iruka-chan!" Tobi greeted cheerfully. "Would you like some eggs?" he asked, holding out some unholy abomination that once was a fetal chicken, burnt to a crisp and smelling something foul. "I made them myself!"

Iruka sighed, "No, thank you Tobi. I'm in a hurry right now."

Tobi shrank back, looking up at Iruka pleadingly as he held his godawful eggs closer to him. "I-Iruka-chan doesn't like To-Tobi's cooking?"

"No-no, it's not that Tobi. I'm just..." Iruka stammered, thinking of a way out. Tobi started sniffling and whimpering, making Iruka's conscience go haywire. "Okay, Tobi. Maybe I have time for just one." Iruka took an egg, holding his breath and piling the whole thing in his mouth before his taste buds kicked in. He forced a weak smile, "Yum... That was great Tobi. Thanks."

"Sasori-san!" Tobi said excitedly, "Would you like some?"

"No," Sasori replied coldly.

Tobi started whimpering again. "P-please?"

"No."

Tobi dropped the plate, letting it shatter. "I didn't want you to have any, anyway!" he yelled before storming out of the kitchen.

"I think you hurt his feelings," Iruka said.

"He should learn how to make eggs," Sasori muttered. "What did you want, Iruka?"

"Sasori, could you come with me for a second?" Iruka asked timidly. "Hidan lost the key to the handcuffs, and he has to go to the bathroom."

Sasori's lip twitched into a smirk. "I suppose..."

The two reached Hidan's room, finding it … quiet. Too quiet. They glanced nervously in the room, expecting a blood-drenched victim of Hidan's ritual. But the Jashinist was already gone. Along with his bed.

Sasori walked down the hallway, motioning for Iruka to follow him. They found a sheet lying on the floor right before the bathroom. Iruka peeked though the open door, finding Hidan in a rather amusing position. The Jashinist was still attached to the bed, standing up with it behind him. He was on one leg, using the other to try to get his pants down, and failing miserably.

Iruka couldn't help but laugh. "Why didn't you just wait for a few minutes?"

"I got to go now!" Hidan yelled. "Iruka,"

"You need some help?"

Hidan nodded. "I need you to aim..."

"No, wait. Sasori's here now, we'll just get you off the bed first," Iruka said.

"I can't wait that long! Take off my pants!"

Sasori could be heard laughing from outside. "I'm not coming in there if he's naked."

Iruka finally gave up arguing with him and pulled his pants down. The chuunin grabbed Hidan's neglected member, making the Jashinist moan, and aimed for the toilet. The 'moans' quickly became sighs of relief.

"Well, isn't that an interesting site..." Kakuzu commented smugly, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and an eyebrow raised.

"Why are watching, you perverted fucker?" Hidan retorted while Iruka pulled his pants back up.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "As if I would be attracted to a moron like you..." he mumbled. "I just came to tell Iruka that Pein-sama would like to see him in his office. Immediately..."

Iruka felt his heart drop to his feet. _Oh Jashin... This is about last night, with Hidan... _"Th-thanks Kakuzu-san."

"Ooh, someone's in trouble," Hidan mocked. Kakuzu gave an ominous chuckle before leaving.

Sasori worked his lock picking magic to set Hidan free, then left the Jashinist on his own to figure out how to get the bed out of the bathroom, which was wedged tightly between the shower and toilet. He'd be surprised if there was a bathroom left after the whole ordeal.

Iruka watched as Hidan pulled helplessly on the unmoving bed frame. "Do you want to, you know, see what Leader-sama wants with me?"

"Can't," Hidan grunted. "Got. To. Get. Bed. Out..."

"Well," Iruka protested. "You could always take a break. It's not like the bed is going anywhere."

"Shut up! It is going somewhere. I can feel it," Hidan blurted.

"The thing is," Iruka started, worrying his lower lip with his teeth. "I'm kind of nervous about seeing him."

Hidan snorted. "I would be too. Leader-sama is a total bad ass. I'd be shitting myself if I were you."

"You're not helping..." Iruka muttered.

"I know." Hidan gave him a cheeky smile, then kissed him. "I love you, though. Now, go get him, pansy..." Hidan pushed Iruka out the door and watched as he walked nervously down the hallway. "And don't forget to ask if he likes to fuck men!"

Iruka was sure if Pein didn't kill him, a stress-induced heart attack would. His heart was beating out of his chest, and his palms were freezing cold and sweating. He tentatively knocked on the door, secretly hoping a giant, Earth destroying asteroid would hit and kill everyone in sight, then he'd be off the hook. No such luck.

Pein opened the door, motioning for the chuunin to come in before closing the door behind them. Iruka's brain went into panic mode, feeling like a mouse caught in a snake pit. Iruka noticed how much quieter it was with the door shut. _That way, no one will be able to hear my cries of terror as I'm slowly tortured to death._

"Iruka," Pein said, interrupting Iruka's day dream, or day "nightmare".

"Yes, Leader-sama?" Iruka asked meekly.

"Are you alright?" Pein asked, sitting behind his desk.

Iruka nodded. "I … I was just... uh..."

"Nervous?"

Iruka nodded again. "Yeah, that..."

"Hmm..." Pein shuffled though the papers on his desk before deciding upon one, handing it to Iruka. "Tsunade sent me this earlier today."

Iruka skimmed through the letter, taking heed to the part in bold, stating that he "was needed back in Konohagakure as soon as possible". He knew it he wasn't _needed_ back immediately. If anything, the paper work had backed up, or the kids were acting unruly. They probably just wanted to make sure he was still alive. He was still relieved. "Oh, I thought you wanted to see me for something else..."

"It wouldn't have anything to do with last night, would it?" Pein asked.

Iruka blushed, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "Well, uh... about that..."

"I'm well aware of Hidan's antics. Don't worry about it."

Iruka let out a breath he'd been holding since he stepped into the room. "Thank Jashin..."

"We'll leave tomorrow, then," Pein said. "I suggest you spend tonight with Hidan."

"Hidan's not coming?" Iruka asked, worried yet again.

Pein shook his head. "You and I will leave tomorrow, the rest will meet us a week later."

"You … and me?" Iruka felt his heart in his throat. "Umm... O-okay..."

"Try not to get yourself chained to a bed in the meantime," Pein said before dismissing him.

Iruka hurried to find Hidan. _A day long walk alone with Pein... I'm gonna die..._


	3. Going Away Party

Pardon my temporary death. See _Loyalty _Chapter 3 forenote for more details on death.

* * *

Iruka tentatively knocked on the tattered door of Hidan's room. Their makeshift "do not disturb" sign still hung crookedly from a small thumbtack in one of the door's cracks. Iruka smiled to himself and grabbed for the sign, but the door swung open before he could reach it.

"What?" the greedy missing-nin asked impatiently, standing imposingly in the doorway with his hands balled into fists and a scowl written on his features.

"Uh..." Iruka stuttered. "Hi, Kakuzu," he said with a meek, little wave.

"Out with it," Kakuzu commanded.

Iruka recoiled from the man slightly but held his ground, "Um, you haven't seen Hidan around, have you?"

Kakuzu grumbled, "figures," before nodding toward the other side of the bedroom. Iruka tried to move past him, but the Akatsuki member just stood there and glared at him.

Iruka rubbed the back of his neck nervously and tried to muster up the courage to ask the older man to move aside, but all that came out was, "uhh." He could hear the Jashinist muttering profanities and complaining about something or the other. So close, but so far away. But, suddenly, a lamp was hurled at Kakuzu's head. The large man dodged it with ease, letting it shatter against the wall.

"Stop being a dick, Kakuzu!" Hidan yelled, appearing in the doorway. He turned to the chuunin, now smiling. "So, what did Leader-sama say?"

Iruka walked into the room, being sure to keep Hidan between himself and Kakuzu. He noticed the bed was back in it's original spot, though the condition of it didn't look promising, and the table and other surrounding objects were strewn across Hidan's side of the room. He took a seat on the bed, bracing himself in case the steel frame gave way and collapsed under him. Hidan jumped onto the bed and sat across from him. Iruka shook his head and smiled at the man's carelessness. "How'd you get the bed out of the bathroom?" Iruka asked.

"I got skills," the Jashinist replied smugly.

"Yeah, you got skills alright," Kakuzu mocked. "Skills at breaking the toilet and tearing a chunk out of the wall."

"I got it out, didn't I?" Hidan retorted. "So..." he continued, turning again to Iruka. "Pein-sama said..."

"He is taking me back to Konoha tomorrow. He said you guys are going to come the next week and meet us there," Iruka replied.

Hidan frowned. "But... but... Why can't you just stay here?"

"I've got a job to do. Besides, it's only a week," Iruka replied.

"A whole week?" the Jashinist pouted. "What the hell am I supposed to do until then? Hang out with these fucking heathens all day?" he asked, seemingly appalled by the notion.

Iruka laughed under his breath. "Well, you could come with me tomorrow."

"Pfft. You're just trying to get out of going to Konoha with Leader-sama alone, chicken-shit," Hidan retorted.

Kakuzu laughed and peered over the book he had been reading. "You're not as dumb as you look, Hidan. Which isn't really saying much considering that you _look_ like a brain-dead rodent," he said, returning to the novel.

"Shut the fuck up, Kakuzu!" Hidan yelled, flipping him the bird for good measure. Kakuzu merely turned the page in his book and ignored him.

"Can you blame me?" Iruka asked. "He's intimidating."

"I guess." Hidan shrugged. He grabbed Iruka's hand and got off the bed, leading the chuunin outside. "Speaking of which, what did he say about fucking?"

Iruka blushed and scanned the hallways for eavesdroppers. "I... um... He... I don't know."

"You didn't even ask him, did you?" Hidan scolded.

Iruka shook his head, strangely feeling guilty for disappointing the Jashinist.

Hidan sighed but didn't press the matter. He led the chuunin to the Akatsuki common room and grabbed his cloak off the table. He turned toward the labyrinth of hallways and doors that was the Akatsuki headquarters and announced to his comrades, "Hey, you fucking heathens!"

Deidara threw the kitchen door open and asked, "What do you want, you artless, loudmouthed idiot?"

"We're going to the bar. Want to come?" Hidan asked bluntly.

"We are?" Iruka asked.

Hidan nodded. "Of course we are. It's your going away party." He grabbed the chuunin's hand and led him out the door. Kakuzu, Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi followed closely behind.

There was a steady downpour in Amegakure which the group hardly noticed. The warm rain was actually quite soothing and cast a glistening aura across the village, emboldened by golden illumination of house lights and street lamps. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits. With drunkenness and festivities near at hand, it was hard to be pessimistic.

The group strolled into the local bar, earning a few glances, but otherwise fitting right in with the crowd. After convincing Kakuzu that paying a few ryou for alcoholic beverage would not, in fact, kill him, the Akatsuki members fell into the welcoming arms of debauchery. It wasn't long until they were happily, stupidly drunk.

"C'mon 'Ruka, just one more?" Hidan begged, sitting at the bar and holding a glass of sake under Iruka's nose.

Iruka smiled but denied for about the eightieth time. "I have to leave tomorrow. I don't want to have a hangover."

Hidan pouted. "You've only had two," he said, holding up three fingers.

"I know," Iruka agreed. "I'm a lightweight. Besides, who's going to make sure all you guys get home safely?"

"Ha! They're... stupid anyway," Hidan slurred. He pointed to Tobi who was drawing pictures on the dartboard while people were trying to play. "See?"

"Oh, no." Iruka sighed. He started for Tobi, but felt a hand grab for his and pull him in the other direction.

"I have a better idea," Hidan stated before leading the chuunin into a backroom of the bar. He pushed Iruka up against one of the shelves that lined the small room. What was on them, Iruka could hardly tell. The room only had one window which only allowed a small crack of light to seep through. He could only make out the shelves and a table they had bumped into on their way in. With the Jashinist now placing kisses along his neck and cheek, he lost all concentration, closing his eyes and pulling the silver-haired man in closer.

Hidan wrapped a hand around the back of Iruka's neck and pulled him into a kiss. Iruka obliged by parting his lips and allowing the Jashinist's tongue to explore his mouth. He could taste the sake on Hidan's breath and on his soft lips as the kiss intensified. He pushed the Akatsuki cloak aside and wrapped his arms around the Jashinist's torso, feeling the warmth of Hidan's body.

Hidan picked him up abruptly and, setting Iruka on the small table, crawled on top of him, legs straddling the chuunin's hips. He returned to placing soft kisses on the Iruka's tan neck and began pulling off his flak vest and shirt.

A soft thud sounded on the door and muffled voices echoed from outside. Hidan ignored it, but Iruka shot up, shooing the caressing hands away.

Hidan grumbled impatiently. "What?"

"They could walk in," Iruka pleaded.

"So?" Hidan replied casually, again trying to strip the chuunin of his remaining clothes.

Iruka held his pants in place and sighed. "What do you mean 'so'? It makes me uncomfortable."

Hidan sat back and just stared at the chuunin under him, looking a bit confused. "Why?"

"I don't want them to see me naked. Or, you know... making love," Iruka said, blushing noticeably, even in the dark room.

"You mean fucking?" Hidan replied loudly.

Iruka rolled his eyes. "Yeah, fucking." He paused, looking quizzically at the Jashinist. "You've never felt uncomfortable before in, you know, an intimate position?"

Hidan just stared at him again, confused.

"Fucking," Iruka said bluntly.

Hidan shook his head.

"Okay. But what if you were in a position you didn't like or with someone you didn't like?"

Hidan gasped in shock. "Tentacle rape," he whispered, then shuddered.

"What?"

"I had a dream one night about being raped by Kakuzu's tentacles. Scarred me for life."

Iruka just gaped at him. "Uhh... Wow. Why? … Did..."

Hidan recoiled and shook his head. "Ew, no. I, in the dream, was talking with Kakuzu, right? And he said we needed some extra money, fucking greedy-ass heathen that he is. So he said I had to join this weird ass circus-show-thing with him. There were like, two-headed lions and demon fairies fights as part of the show. And the bathrooms were gross," he said, using hand gestures to illustrate his points. "And we were the stars. But as part of the show, he sexed me with his tentaclies," he said, raising an eyebrow. "It was weird."

"Uhuh," Iruka muttered, still staring at the Jashinist in shock. "You... and... Kakuzu."

"Fuck you. It was terrifying," Hidan retorted, crossing his arms and pouting.

Iruka smirked. "Well, see? It made you uncomfortable. This makes me uncomfortable."

"I'm not going to rape you with Kakuzu's tentacles, Iruka," Hidan stated somewhat seriously.

Iruka just shook his head and sighed. Hidan grabbed Iruka's clothes and his own cloak. He pulled them over the chuunin's head and draped the Akatsuki cloak around his own shoulders. Before Iruka even had time to button his flak vest, Hidan grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the room, leading him through the maze of people and out into the streets.

"You're not mad?" Iruka asked, trying to keep up with Hidan.

"No," Hidan replied, dragging the chuunin into a back alley behind one of Ame's hotels. He pointed to one of the window's. "We're going up." He jumped easily to the second story window and eased it open. He sat in the window sill and motioned for Iruka to follow him.

"Hidan, this isn't legal!" Iruka protested.

"C'mon, 'Ruka. Live a little," the Jashinist protested.

Iruka groaned, checking the alley for anyone who could be watching. He hopped up to the window and grabbed Hidan's waiting hand, allowing the Jashinist to pull him into the stolen hotel room.

Hidan grabbed the "do not disturb" sign off the counter and put it on the door handle before locking the door. "Better?"

Iruka smirked. "You really don't give up, do you?"

"What can I say?" Hidan replied, "I'm motivated." He quickly stripped the chuunin again, tossing the clothes carelessly aside. He explored Iruka's warm mouth in a deep kiss, caressing the soft lips with his own. They fell into each others' warm embrace. Hidan grabbed the chuunin's slender hips and had him panting in minutes, quickly forgetting whatever laws they were currently breaking. Iruka wrapped his arms around the Jashinist and begged for more. Hidan was happy to oblige, bringing them both to a fantastic climax.

Hidan collapsed onto the bed, still holding Iruka. "Comfortable?" he asked.

Iruka nodded, a dazed smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

Hidan laughed. Laying back in the bed and crossing his arms behind his head, he smiled smugly to himself. Iruka just smiled and shook his head. He lay next to Hidan, and they both fell into a deep sleep.


	4. A Problem

_Iruka._

The brunette chuunin awoke in a daze, lost in stolen bed sheets and the memories of his midnight activities. Hidan still had his arms wrapped comfortably around the teacher, and Iruka smiled warmly to himself. The Jashinist really could be caring if he tried. _If_ he tried. Iruka rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, making Hidan grumble at the sudden movement. Iruka furrowed his eyebrows in thought, _I could have sworn someone had called my name._ He began to unwrap the Jashinist's arms, but Hidan held firm, still fast asleep.

Suddenly, the doorknob began to turn and the door started to open. Iruka quickly scooted away from Hidan and grabbed a bundle of sheets to cover himself. His heart raced as he thought of what to do. He didn't want to get arrested. Leader-sama was so gracious not to kill him, and this is how he re-paid the man? By breaking into a hotel in his village and getting sent to jail? _I'm going to die._

Iruka felt a lead ball drop to the very depths of his stomach when he saw Pein's fiery orange hair and hypnotic eyes. He tried to say something, anything. _This isn't what it looks like. (Well, actually, it is.) We were going to pay. (Well, I was.) Please don't kill me. _But his throat ceased to work anymore, and his mouth just hung open stupidly.

Pein walked over to the hotel room's small kitchen area and threw the keys on the counter. "Iruka, get ready. We're already running late," he stated matter-of-factly, then grabbed the packets of generic coffee and began to make a pot.

Iruka quickly grabbed his clothes off the floor and used them to cover his dick and arse. He made a dash for the bathroom while Pein had his back turned. He jumped in the shower and washed the aftermath of sex from his body. After all, he wanted to be presentable when he died.

Hidan stretched and yawned, grumbling something incoherent that was probably meant to be a profanity of some kind. "Where'd Pet go?" he slurred absent-mindedly.

"Shower," Pein replied.

"Hey. Get your own room," Hidan muttered, uncurling from the sheets and walking over to the kitchen area.

"This is my room," the red-head retorted, pointing to the keys on the counter. "You're intruding."

Hidan giggled. "Ok, you can stay. But we have a dress policy."

"Or lack thereof," Pein said, taking a wary glance at Hidan's unclothed body. "That is way more of you than I needed to see."

The Jashinist crossed his arms and smirked. "Bullshit. You know you're jealous."

Pein rolled his eyes but ignored him. He grabbed a cup of coffee and poured another cup for Hidan. "Don't spill. I'm not healing or bandaging any of your 'lower extremities'."

"You mean my third leg?" Hidan said with a laugh.

Iruka came out of the bathroom in record time, his hair still wet and his clothes a mess. "Okay. I'm ready," he said tentatively.

Pein poured a cup of coffee and handed it to the chuunin. "Consider this your breakfast."

Iruka nodded and took the coffee, took a small sip of it, then immediately spit it back out when he saw the entirely nude Hidan standing casually against the counter. "Why-"

"Morning, 'Ruka," Hidan said, smiling.

Iruka just shook his head and continued to sip his coffee.

Hidan walked over to the chuunin and completely ravaged his personal space. "I'll miss you, 'Ruka," the Jashinist said, forcing out a tear and holding back laughter. He wrapped his arms around the confused chuunin and his lip started to quiver. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you..."

"Okay, let's go, Iruka," Pein said abruptly, grabbing his and Iruka's coffee and dumping it down the sink.

"But," Hidan protested, refusing to let go of the chuunin. "You guys need a body guard. I should do it. Yeah, that's a great idea. Good, we've all decided then. Let's go." He made for the door, but Pein held it shut with a firm arm.

"You're staying at headquarters until next week," Pein stated with authority.

Hidan continued to pull on the doorknob. "Why can't I go? Pet is all alone. He'll get scared."

"You're stark-ass naked," Pein retorted. "And _Iruka_ is a grown man. A shinobi. He'll be fine."

Hidan pouted and let go of the doorknob. "I could get dr-"

"No."

"Pl-"

"No."

"Fine!"

* * *

"Have a rough night, sunshine?" said Kakuzu with a dry smile hidden behind his mask, slapping a hand on the back of his melancholy partner. "I'm surprised you even found your way back this morning, considering how much you drank last night."

Hidan grumbled in response and scooted to the other side of the tattered and torn red-leather couch, propping his head on his hand.

"Never thought I'd see the day you had nothing to say," Kakuzu muttered, walking away. He got to the doorway before setting a hand on the frame. He looked over his shoulder at the brooding Jashinist and asked, with a raised eyebrow, "Did your pet die?"

"No!" the Jashinist shot back with a scornful glare before abruptly looking away again, arms crossed firmly.

Kakuzu smirked, walking back toward his partner. "Then what the hell is your problem?" said he, crossing his arms to match his partner.

"You! Leave me alone," Hidan retorted, still glaring at the wall ahead of him.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "Go kill some vagrant, and get whatever-it-is off your chest."

Hidan went back to resting his head on his palm, saying, with a sigh, "I don't feel like it."

The greedy missing-nin turned toward him again, this time in shock. "... What the _hell_ is your problem?"

"I dunno." The Jahinist started for the door, head hung and hands shoved in his pockets.

Kakuzu grabbed his arm. "Seriously."

"So what if I don't want to waste some worthless trash? I have better things to do with my time." Hidan slapped his arm away and disappeared into the labyrinth of hallways.

"What's his problem?" Zetsu asked, emerging from the wall.

"If I knew that, I wouldn't have asked him seven times," Kakuzu retorted.

"Twice."

Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose. "How long have you been listening?"

Zetsu shrugged. **"How long have you been talking?"** Zetsu paused for a moment. His white side spoke up, "Maybe he just misses Iruka."

"Hm," Kakuzu acknowledged with narrowed eyes and a nod. "That teacher's gotta go."

"**Agreed."**


End file.
